Et tu, Brute?
—Julius Caesar, Act 3, Scene 1, Line 77
Nothing is ever so important as having someone's back.
And nothing more wondrously vile and effective as a shrewd betrayal, well-executed (pun intended).
But do you have to “give back?”
The answer is a qualified “No!”
There are times where you will find it prudent to have someone else’s back (you may need them--alive-- later); but more likely, there are times where you need only give the illusion of support while cutting someone to their knees.
And don't forget to make use of your minions. As noted in our previous blog, any one of them will take it in the ribs for you.
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panem et circenses
—Juvenal, Satire 10.77–81
You can buy a lot of loyalty and hard work by NOT buying. Save your money for that Panamera. I hear it’s a pretty sweet ride.
People are needy and look up those in power, however much they may revile them. Reward your staff or people around you (like family and friends) not with money or material goods, but by something more elusive:
RANDOM ACTS OF PRAISE
Never underestimate the power of a pat on the head. It works for dogs and look how loyal they are.
Appearing to give of yourself is the best reward.
Let's be honest (if we must): people around you are either needy, or self-serving. If the former, a pat on the head is fine. If the latter, they are likely note-taking sycophants who will admire your nerve as you reward their excellence with a few good words (but not too many) and a nod. These fart catchers will fawn and drool over any attention you send their way, and for bonus points, they'll let everyone else know how blessed and grateful they are to have caught your eye.
Don’t worry about watching your back from these flatterers because one of your needy ones will take it in the ribs for you (and clean up the mess after).
Keep those hero biscuits handy.
There's a good dog.
"A great man is always willing to be little.”
― Ralph Waldo Emerson
Self-deprecation doesn’t suit you, nor should it. But the trappings of it will get you everywhere, professionally or personally.
Don’t be little. — Appear little.
Appearing little gains you entry to places you never imagined (or imagined, but dared not dream).
Be the cockroach.
Flatten yourself, prostrate yourself (FFS, look it up: prostrate, not prostate) and scuttle further along than you ever dreamed.
May I learn the value and power of humility, in order to exploit them appropriately.
Did we say suck? That's not very professional. What we meant to say was forms a vacuum.
You know what a vacuum is don't you? It is a space devoid of matter. Sorta. Let's try that again.
It's a relationship between gaseous pressure (you know what that is) and atmospheric pressure (you definitely know what that is).
Feeling it now? Get it? GET IT?
Your corporate climate sucks. You fix it when you raise the gaseous pressure. That means you heighten the bullsh*t (aka gaseous pressure). Bigger gas, bigger vacuum.
It's so simple. Spin that web, Douches. Spin it.
Failing that. Buy a mug and leave it on your desk to show your solidarity (well, gaseousness).
And remember, no matter how much your corporate culture sucks, there is always a little bit of dark matter remaining.
Use it to your benefit. Suck harder. Faster. Deeper. What makes gas? More shit. That's right. Shovel it on thick. Your culture sucks but it always could suck more. Make 'em dance!
Dare to give 110%.
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Just because you're a Douchebag doesn't mean your company or your personal life is profitable.